I wouldn't be afraid of spiders if I could just...
Me: Oh, hey whoa, this shower is occupied.
Spider: Omg man I didn't see you there.
Me: We cool?
Spider: Yeah, yeah, we're cool. I'm just coming down to scope out the tub.
Me: Oh, that's legit. Hey, you might wanna move over some--you're descending right into the shower stream and I don't want you to drown.
Spider: Hey thanks, bud. I'll be careful.
Me: So...can I get out now?
Spider: Sure, sure! Sorry I'll just move over here.
Me: Thanks. You have a nice night. Don't come into my bedroom, okay?
Spider: Nah, that's your space. We're cool. Have a great evening.
(I am working a morning shift at a cafe. We are serving breakfast. A little boy and his mother enter the cafe.)
Me: “So, what will it be?”
Child: “I WISH TO DEVOUR THE UNBORN.”
(There is a sudden silence and everyone turns to look. The mother looks very embarrassed.)
Mother: “Eggs… he would like some eggs…”
mom: who are you laughing with?
me: my laptop
Me: Hey close the door, please
Parent: *leaves the door open 2 centimeters*
Me: *dying whale noise*
wake up: exhausted
12 pm: exhausted
3 pm: fucking exhausted
5 pm: really fucking exhausted
7 pm: about to pass out
bed time: the energy of 5 million condensed suns
2 people sitting in front me on the bus were talking about how rude it is when people eavsdrop on others conversations and I told them that I totally agree.